Dress in a Mess

before anything else, im going to answer the questions sent to me through the ask my anything thingy:

1) why did you write this? -lawndartt00

write what? i got your message after i created the entry before this so i have no idea which entry youre talking about. if its the one about religion, i wrote it because that is my opinion on the matter. and if its about the relationships one, i wrote it because its what i experience/d.

2) hey, love your site. where'd you get this question box thing? -kim

hey kim. thanks. i got it at bravenet.com. you can customize it too. :)

on with the show.

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i went to tinas debut last night and it was pretty fun. i loved the butterfly decorations. i was part of the 21 treasures and as usual, i sucked at it. :P i hate speaking in front of a crowd. as much as its hard to believe, i cannot stand being in the center of attention.

after listening to leo's ramblings, we left and headed for westgate for the gig. as soon as i got there, i saw the girls and it felt so great to be with them.

chris went with me to the bathroom on the thrid floor which was crawling with cockroaches of all sizes and liquid that was either water or piss or both. it was truly digusting. then when we went back upstairs, we found out that there was another bathroom that was closer to where we were and cleaner. roar.

we watched indiemo play and being the bandwhores that we were, we were all yelling shit like:

"woohoo! go hotties!"
"alex, feel the pain!"
"we love you guys!"

the best was when alex goes: "you would remember our bassist as the globe guy. da best." ahahahahaha.

so, yeah. it was a pretty fun night. even if i was still wearing my formal attire from the debut and i was sweating my ass off. :P

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dear you,

you know this isnt easy at all. i dont choose to feel this way or act this way. but it would be so much easier if you could talk to me properly about things without getting upset. as much as i believe that you do care, that you do love me, sometimes its hard to believe because of how you act.

do you know how hard it is to text someone, apologizing for shit and that person doesnt even text back? and you know the only way you can find out what the fuck is happening is to text that person again with a 50% chance that youre going to get a reply? its not a fun feeling at all. you feel so stupid, so useless, like your apologies dont matter at all. like there should be something more that you should do but you have no idea what it is.

im sick of always feeling like i care more. im sick of always being the one who runs after you. im sick of it.

im sick of trying to figure you out.

++++

sorry i havent been blogging that much. school started on monday and ive been too lazy and annoyed to bitch.

Relationships

my friends and i have been talking about relationships for pretty much a lot of times recently. dont ask me how it started. i just know that suddenly each of my friends started talking about relationships with the opposite sex.

in order:

pat
chris
krisna
crystal

it got me to thinking about how different other people's point of view were.

some are afraid of relationships but wonder why they arent in one, some people do want a relationship but only want it with one person but isnt sure if the person feels the same way, some people have never been in a relationship and is unsure whether they do want one or not, some people want to try flinging around before a relationship but are afraid of playing the field, etc etc.

*sigh*
it seems to be an unending cycle.

the thing is, the more you wait for someone to come, the more the person will not.

a relationship between the opposite sexes are beautiful though. how can two people, among a million other faces and personalities, find each other and click in a way that is so unique and that only they can understand? its really quite a mystery.

but how do you know that it will last? how do you know that it will always be like that? that special, that wonderful? how can two people have such a beautiful friendship that it doesnt compare to what they have with other people and how can two people turn that friendship into being in love?

aaahhhhh. the mystery of it all.

how did i get here?

well, let me tell you.

i used to be "in love" with another guy who stomped, stabbed, and spat on my heart numerous times but i still felt the same way, thinking that i really loved him. in the end, i realized, i really didnt love him. i was just infatuated. i then decided that men were scum.

i starting having flings. super short term encounters that would be forgotten as fas as it started. and i must say, knowing that im going to sound like a major bitch, that i had fun and i didnt care. it was my turn on the joystick. it was my turn to be in control. fuck them over, break their egos and enjoy it.

but then, after awhile, it stopped being fun. after awhile, after going home at around 4-5 am every weekend, i started longing. and thinking.

my friend told me these words when we talked about it.

"no matter how much guys you meet. no matter how much fun you had. no matter how hot they are. there will always be that feeling of coming home and have someone to say goodnight to."

sigh. someone to say goonight to. someone who will really be there. it would be nice to have that again. but i didnt want to put my hopes up. i didnt want to have to think about things like that. so i just let it go. and decided to go back to the field.

i really wasnt looking for anyone.

but one night, i went to a party that i didnt even feel like going to, and i met him. he insisted on getting my number and i was like: "oh shit. oh well. whatever, it will just be few messages, nothing will happen. like i really care."

but in the end, i did. in the end, i ended up caring more than i hoped i would. in the end, i got hurt badly. but in the long run, i ended up falling in love with the most wonderful guy in the world.

i went through a lot of shitty roads, not caring about anything or anyone but somehow, i found a way that led me to him.

unexpected but beautiful.

i guess thats what relationships are really about.

and im thankful.

It Ain't Gonna Happen, Sweetie

i believe in god. really, i do. i just dont pray or make religion my whole life like some people do.

but i was not brought up this way.

like any catholic daughter, i went to mass every sunday, said prayers before/after meals and bedtime, talked to him and even wrote letters.

but somewhere along the way, that changed. i dont know or when but it did. maybe it was because of the school i went to for grade school. it was a typical catholic all-girls school that gave the students so much shit about so much irrelevant things.

like the teachers used to confiscate archie comics (betty and veronicas taste in clothes were too flashy/trashy), sweet valley books, and magazines (smut material they called it).
and i guess it all piled up. there were so much restrictions in that school and stupid rules that made no sense. and it was all based on the religion.

opus dei. go figure.

or maybe it wasnt the school that changed my mind. maybe it was the people who surrounded me that made me realize that: yes, you can love and worship god but dont go overdoing it.

my tita is one of those people. she spent half of her life just praying to make things happen and forcing her daughters to do the same. she made them believe that good things will happen ONLY if you pray and ask for them.

what happened?

her piece of shit husband and her got separated, her older daughter got pregnant at the age of 18 and now has 2 kids at the age of 23 with a guy she cannot stand, her money was stolen by this pervert who just pretended to be her friend, her other daughter doesnt know what she wants to do in life (shes had 3 courses in college for the past 3-4 years), and many many more.

just because she couldnt get off her ass and do something about it herself.

im not saying dont pray because nothing will happen. pray. pray all you want but dont pray just for the sake of thinking that god will help you out just like that.

it aint gonna happen sweetie.

when i pray before i go to bed or in one of the rare moments that i actually go to mass, i dont go:

"god, please give me this. god, i will be good if you.."

i always go:

"father, thank you for all the blessings in my life. thank you for my family, friends, and the people who get me through. thank you for understanding me and thank you for listening."

(this is what happens when you watch bruce almighty followed by bless the child)

Another Letter

i dont think you heard my plea before. i thought that maybe i should try again. maybe this time, you will actually hear me. you will actually listen.

im still missing you. i still want you back. i dont think i can do this without you. didnt you see my letter to you? the letter i wrote on july 31, 2003? if you did, you didnt answer me. if you didnt, then maybe i can forgive you.

i meant what i said. i need you here. my anger has become uncontrollable. my happiness has become deceiving. i miss waking up hapy and ready to face the day. i miss smiling genuinely. i miss laughing wholeheartedly.

do you see how much your presence was valued? do you see how much i loved you?

im on my knees. im begging. find a way back to me. i dont think i handle this on my own, not with the way i am now.

rica, i still miss you. i still need you. without you, i feel unreal. this is not me. it was so much better with you here.

find a way, please.

love,
rica

Blah

so, i think its over.

maybe not officially but it damn well feels like it.

giving each other space is break-ups ugly cousin.

and of course, whos the one who brilliantly came up with the idea?

him. as usual.

arent i fucking used to it already? people always tend to leave me.

i just didnt think it would be him again.

im so depressed right now. im just gonna stay home til my hangover wears off. then maybe, MAYBE, ill be okay enough to meet up with pat and chris tonight.

i just need to let it out. badly.

Stupidity and Boredom

last night proved how much of a kid i really am.

at about 1:30am, a few minutes after carlo left, there was a blackout.

i instantly grabbed my cellphone, called him up, and just stayed under the covers. he calmed me down after awhile so i got the nerve to go to the balcony and ask the guard to call the maid for candles.

after a few minutes the electricity came back on.

the point of this silly story is that when i was younger and the lights would die, i would just walk by myself, get the candles, and write in my room. i wouldnt be scared at all. sometimes i would just lie on the floor and sing to myself, with just a candle beside me.

or maybe its because my room is much bigger compared to the one before.
*excuses*

i think im growing backwards.

heaven help me if i become even shorter than i am now.

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what do you do when youre bored and youre chatting with your boyfriend online?

its called "buzz sex". read and learn:

BUZZ!!!
ryx04: oh yes, you bad boy, buzz me
ryx04: BUZZ ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!
ryx04: ahahahhahahhahaa
ryx04: god, youre such an amazing buzzer
the.dork: Ahahahaha
BUZZ!!!
ryx04: YES!!!!!!!!!!
ryx04: YES!!!!!!!!!!
ryx04: YES!!!!!!!!!!
ryx04: YES!!!!!!!!!!
the.dork: AHAHAHAHAHAHA
ryx04: oh god, im almost there!!!!!!!!!!!!
ryx04: YES!!!!!!!!!!
BUZZ!!!
BUZZ!!!

Something I Wrote The Other Night

i honestly dont know what to feel or do anymore. all i can think about is: "why the hell did you have to go and cheat on me before?" you know, if he didnt do it, i swear, i wouldnt be like this. sometimes i think that maybe i wouldve been better off not knowing. like before i knew, i was so much better. and now that i know, i cant help but be so angry, so jealous.

im not the type to forgive and forget. im the type to forgive but never letting that person forget.

im so afraid of getting hurt again.

i think about how i was before, what i wrote. stuff like: "i know that when he loves someone, he really does love them."
and i cant seem to put it in my head that I AM that someone now. but i still cant shake off the fact that it still hurts.

and maybe, just maybe, there IS a reason for me being this paranoid. maybe theres something that im not aware of. something im missing. or maybe im just crazy.

whatever it is, i hope i get over it soon. because its slowly killing me.