This is The Beginning (Hopefully)

So, I'm finally in San Francisco, and I'm waiting for my best best friend to come over. :)

I don't have a voice because on my last 3 days, I was dying of laughter with my gorgeous friends and cousins. :) Pictures coming up because I don't have my laptop yet and Jeanie and Carla haven't uploaded their pics yet.

I have to get my shit together but I have a good feeling about this.
I need this and I have been wanting to do this.

I miss all of them already.
But I will be back.
Hopefully not too soon though.

I love you all and miss you all already.

Cristiano and Cake

So, I headed out at 1am last night, fucking flu shot made me pass out, and met up with Pat and Anton in the Fort. Afterwards, we headed to Handle Bar, which I was excited to go to because I wanted to watch the match (and see Cristiano's ass).

There we were, walking to the bar, with Anton and I arguing. 

Him: "No, it's Barca VS Arsenal or Manu VS Arsenal."

Me: "Idiot, it's Manu VS Barca."

Him: "You're wrong Rica, and you'll see that you're wrong."

Me: "HA! Okay, whatever you say."

Hearing the cheers of the crowd and seeing a buttload of people mad me so happy. It reminded me of World Cup nights with my friends. 

Bar + Beer + Football = HEAVEN.

The moment the sounds became louder and the bar could slowly be seen, I turned to Anton and said, "HAHAHAHA. Told you it was Manu VS Barca. Pffffft. Arsenal my ass." (I really gave him the rasberry. Yes, I'm immature.)

And may I just say that there were so much eye candy in there, it wasn't even funny? RAWR!

 

Sad thing was, we didn't get to finish the game, we had to leave at half-time because the 3 of us had early days today. Fack.

But it's okay. I got to see him again.

Oh sweet, sweet heavens, what I wouldn't give to just lick that neck.

Doesn't matter who won, I like Barca and Manu just the same. Thank God it wasn't Arsenal. And I'm naming my first son, Cristiano. 

Cake

I dreamt about cake last night. I've been craving for it. The dream was pretty fucking hilarious because it involved the characters in LOST. I mean, WTF?

I was part of a team that was researching about the island and what exactly happened to them there, shit like that. 

Then our supervisor goes, "I already told you, Jack Sheperd and them all are right here!" then true enough, I see Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sayid in handcuffs, being escorted into different rooms. I remember I said something like: "Well, glad that's over and done with. Lunch time!"

The next scene involved me and Tina, my 3rd cousin/one of my best friends, in the cafeteria and this dude was handing out food. He had 3 small cakes on his tray + Tapsilog and Bangus. I reached out my hand to grab a cake, when he slapped it and handed me the Bangus.

"WTF! I wanted that cake!"

"You can't have it. Just get the fish."

"Why can't I have it?"

"Cuz I don't want you to."

Then he walks away and then I woke up. WTF is that about? ><

Eerily enough, Kym and Kat just blogged about cake. 

I think I'll be walking to Starbucks later.

Dear You #3

Dear You,

I'm so so sorry for the lack of contact we have had over the past few months. You know if it weren't for the circumstances, you and I would still be together, laughing our asses off without a care in the world.

I miss you so so so much, you have no idea. I wish that I could come and see you but you know how hard it's going to be and how much shit I'm going to be in.

Remember our Tagaytay trip, when we used your Tita's house, instead of mine? One of the many reasons why I loved that trip was because of the great memories I have of you there. That trip showed me how much you love me. I mean, I already knew that you did but you did something there that will stay in my heart forever.

Do you know what you did?

You know me so well and you know that I HATE HATE showering in cold water. I was still sleeping and you came in the room to wake me up. I stuck my tongue out at you while you laughed and said, "Come on, Ryx. Get up, I brought hot water for you to shower in."

I bolted upright, looking at you, and waiting for the punchline. It never arrived. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I brought down two tabos (huge pails) for you."

I smiled at you and went to the bathroom, sure enough there were two tabos in the shower, full of hot lovely water. I ran back into the room and gave you a huge hug. 

"Awww, you're the sweetest! I love you!"

Then our friend asked you, "Hey, why didn't you get ME hot water?"

And you replied with, "Cuz you're not a girl and you're not Rica."

You always knew how to make me feel special. You were always there when I needed you, especially one those nights when I would just cry and cry about my Dad's situation and other stupid shit.

You were always there to make me laugh, even when I was on the verge of fainting from all my crying and heartache. You were there for anything and everything.

Even when you were broke, you still bought food for me whenever we went out, though I insisted that I would pay for it. You hardly had any money and yet you shared what little you had with me. I will never forget the day when you bought adobo and rice that was hardly enough for you and yet you cooked all of it and shared it with me and our other friend.

When I would whimper about wanting a massage, you would just call and even pay for it. I kept telling you not to pay for me, that you had enough money problems and you told me that it's okay, I'm a girl and that I should be used to it (and also that the ex was an asshole who made me pay for him throughout most of our relationship).

Whenever we'd hang out in your place and the guys would make themselves food, you always made sure that they made enough to include me. "Hey! Let Rica get some first, she's a girl, you assholes!" That line always makes me smile. :)

Dammit, I MISS YOU. I want you to come back and we can frolic like idiots again. I hope that you're doing okay and please know that even though you don't see me, I think of you ALL THE TIME. 

Thank you for giving me the best months of my life. Thank you for all the things that you have done for me. You know, our Tagaytay trips would never be the same without you. You were the one that bought the food, cooked the food, set the table, clean up, even though nobody asks you to. You do it just because that's who you are. 

A lot of people didn't see this side of you or appreciated you but please know, that I did and I still do. You always stood up for me, you were always on my side and you always knew EXACTLY what to say to make me laugh and feel better about myself. 

In fact, you know me so well that it's scary. You would know when I was self conscious even before I say anything. You would just say to me, "You look great, don't worry about it." Even the little things like telling one of our friends that I don't like it when people sleep in my house, sleep on my bed after a drunken night and not showering.

I remember that night when I went all the way to Alabang at 3am just because I wanted to see you and we stayed up til 7am, just talking and laughing about anything. A few hours after that, you went off to your graduation and I was so proud of you. 

The last time we spoke on the phone, I cried. I missed hearing your voice and your funny sayings. Nobody in this world is like you and that is what keeps you close to my heart.

I hope that things will work out, I really do. Because after all the shit that you went through in your life, you deserve a break. 

And you will always be the cousin that cared for me the most. The cousin who would lift me off my feet just to give me the biggest hug. The one who would carry me out of a car when I was too sleepy and drunk to move. Everything that you have done means so much to me, it always will.

Thank you.

I miss you.

and I love you.

Please don't forget that I do. 

WE ALL DO.

Love always and forever,

Ricapie

Funny How Things Change

Or how people change after a short/long period of time. 

I read one of my old entries a while ago, courtesy of my random link widget, just because I was bored and I stumbled on this quiz I took before. So, I decided to take it again and the results made me snort.

Old One (July 9, 2003):

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

The New One (Today):

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

And that, Ladies and Gents is what happens when you're in a relationship with an asshole. :D The differences are astounding, aren't they? 

Okay, I just HAD to add this:

Snagged.

Okay, I grew up to be a Roman Catholic and I honestly don't practice it. In fact, sorry if this is going to offend some of you, I don't believe in it. And this particular page annoyed me for some reason. Stupid prudes.

 

While kissing is a way of saying "I love you," there is a danger in not stopping there. As you become more familiar with a boy, there is a great temptation to go farther with him. Don't expect your date to draw the line; he is facing the same temptations. I don't mean to imply that people jump from kissing to having sex all at once. If that were the case, it would be easier to resist Satan's temptations. Instead, the temptation is always to go just a little bit farther than you did on the last date.

"Some of you may not believe me. You may think being aroused feels good."

Um, no shit it feels good. That's why it's called arousal. Aroused? Hard on? That tingly feeling? Moron. 

Fact: Masturbation is HEALTHY. 

Fact: Sex is a part of life. Deal with it.

Fact: Sorry, but I think you're a total idiot.

Fact: I am laughing my Vag off right now.

PS. I'm thinking of renaming my blog and changing my URL just because I want to. Okay, I'm done. 

Hearing His Voice

My Mom came into my room, just a few minutes ago, asking me to help her with this mini DVD player that she just bought because the 2 she had before went missing. I told her to look for the buttons and such because doing things for her won't help her remember. That was what my Dad used to do for her and she needs to learn how to do these things on her own now, especially since she has 2 unmarried children left. 

Little did I know that she was going to watch the video that my siblings and I made as a surprise to her 3 years ago on her 60th birthday. I only realized it when I heard the music playing, and I curiously leaned over to see what she was watching.

Right away, I covered my ears and asked her to use the headphones or something because I don't like seeing myself on video/tv or even hear my voice when I speak. I don't know why I do, but I just hate it for some reason.

After my 'scenes' I started watching again, and the last person to speak was my Dad. The moment I heard his voice and saw how healthy he looked then, my insides started aching. My Mom's birthday is April 23 and less than a month after that video was made, we found out that my Dad had cancer.

I don't talk about my Dad much, not even to my friends. They know that it will come on my time because that's the way I am. I know I sound like a total bitch but I try REALLY hard not to think about him because it hurts too much. I can't even look at the pictures of him in my room because my heart instantly aches.

You know that feeling you get when you're nervous? Suddenly, your heart starts racing, you whole body goes hot on the inside as well as out, and you can't seem to breathe properly? 

That's what I get when I think about my Dad. 

Sometimes I just tell myself that he's not gone.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep whenever I do think about him.

But a few minutes ago, hearing his voice and seeing his face, it hit me like a boulder. 

I'm never going to see or hear him ever again. 

I'm never going to hear him ask for me to sit on his lap and give him a hug.

I'm never going to hear him tell me that I'm forever going to be his baby.

I'm never going to hear his fake crying whenever we poke fun at each other.

I'm never going to hug him and do our routine of him counting how many times I can kiss him on the cheek, that always ends with me giving up when I couldn't breathe anymore and him laughing and patting my back.

It's been 6 months and all this time, I have placed myself in a denial bubble which I thought would protect me from the pain that I feel and I know that I should really get out of it.

Hearing his voice helped me poke a tiny hole in it and I know that hole will get bigger eventually, then I can finally step out.

But as for now, all I can do is miss him, his voice, his hugs, his kindness, his humor, and just his mere presence. I still can't accept that he's gone and I know I should but I just can't. 

I know the time will come and it will be better.

But I just want just one day, just one last day to be with him.

I still have so much I wanted to tell him, to do with him, and to experience with him.

25 years was just not enough.

Do You Know How Beautiful You Are?

I was thinking about her I don't know why but suddenly she just popped in my head. Oh, don't worry, I'm still pissed at her and she is still out of my life. 

I just remembered one of the many conversations that we had together. 3 days before she almost murdered me, we went out, just the both of us because she needed to get drunk. A few hours later, we found ourselves almost smashed with two buckets of beer in front of us.

"You know, I actually envy you sometimes," she told me, slurring slightly.

"What?! Why in the world?" I asked, taken aback. 

"Because...you're really pretty and guys like you because you know, you're up front right away. You can be yourself an they like you for it. Even if your being loud or bastos (crass), they find you funny and attractive."

I slumped back in my chair, shocked that she never told me this shit. After how long of being friends and with her living with me before, she just pulls this out of her ass.

"Well," I said, finally leading forward. "I think you're gorgeous. And guys like you too, you know. Because, um, you give off that mysterious vibe and I know guys like that." 

She looked at me, tearing and smiling. "You mean that?"

"Of course," I nodded "I think you're beautiful." I picked up my bottle, tapped it against hers and said, "You know I don't have ugly friends."

I wasn't lying that night. I really did find her beautiful, I find all my friends beautiful because they are. They have these quirks that make them so different from each other and yet, so alike in other ways.

I remember one of my best friends telling me eons ago that she felt so ugly compared to anyone else. I looked at her straight in the eyes and told her:

"Do you know how beautiful you are?"

"Oh shut up, Ryx."

"No, I'm serious! Don't ever ever think of yourself as something less than that."

"But it's hard not to! I mean, shit, noone ever wants me."

"Dude, of course they do, they just don't show it because you come off as aggressive to them."

"Bullshit. How come you and *toot* can get so many guys and I can't?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? You can get someone, stupid except the ones that want you, you don't like because you're so picky."

"Well, DUH I'm picky. Most of them are gross."

"Hmm, and how do you think that makes them feel?"

*SILENCE*

"That's not the point! I'm talking about me. I'm ugly, Ryx. I feel....UGLY."

"YOU ARE NOT UGLY. How many times have I told you that if I turned into a lesbian, you'd be the first I'd run to?"

"Hahahaha, always. You always say that."

"Well, there you go. So shut up. You're not ugly, you're beautiful. Okay?"

"Ah fuck it, alright, whatever you say. Let's grab a beer."

"Woohoo! Finally!"

The funny thing is, I can tell these things to my friends. All these advice I spew on them, the compliments I give them, and shit like that. Funny thing is, I suck at following my advice. I look at the mirror sometimes and cringe and I also have those "Am I ugly?" moments. All it takes is a friend to tell me I'm wrong or to shut the fuck up to make it go away. And it does, for only a matter of time.

The fact of the matter is, all of us have that little piece of shit asshole/bitch that just pokes and prods us to thinking that we are unattractive, not good enough, or not worth anyone's time. We listen to it from time to time, maybe sometimes even all the time. But we have to know that each of us are beautiful in our own way. We have our special little or big quirks that makes us who we are. Even identical twins have different personalities, for crying out loud. 

I think all we got to do is to just kick that little asshole/bitch in the ass and hope they would shut up for a while. We can't help feeling bad about ourselves once in a while but if we are lucky enough, we try to.

We're just human, after all.

Who Makes You Smile?

(The first time I met her)

It just hit me that I'll be leaving in a week and that I'm not only going to leave everything that I have known my whole life, my friends, my family...but I'm not going to see the one person that makes me so incredibly happy when I am in her presence. 

I won't get to hear Joanna outside my room, yelling, "Eeeekaa! Hi Eekaaa!" in a long time.

In fact, she might even be older when I get back home. 

I'm going to miss her growing up. I'm going to miss a lot of shit when I'm gone.

I don't know why but thinking about not seeing my Joanna (aka Naners, to me only) breaks my heart. That baby girl is the only one who can make me smile these past few days. Ever since she was a few months old, she has been brought to my room to play. 

When I first saw her, I fell in love right away. 

How can her biological Mother just stuff her in a plastic bag and leave her in the back of a cab is way beyond me. 

That beautiful child, so happy just being in my room.

That fascinating little human being, singing Taken Back Sunday when she never heard that song EVER. 

That smart and talkative child that can't stop talking from one location to another, no matter how long the drive is or how much traffic we encounter. 

I remember we were heading home after a family lunch on a Sunday and she rode with me and my Mom. My Mom was asleep and I was trying to fall asleep with no success because this adorable little girl kept trying to 'wash' me using my Mom's eyeglass cleaner.

When she was done, she looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, "Wow, ganda Eeka!" (ganda = beautiful/pretty). 

I laughed and gave her a hug and a kiss. "Naners, Tita Rica is going to take a nap, okay?" She nodded with enthusiasm. I closed my eyes and the next thing I know, she put her head on my lap and said, "Goonay, Eeka. I yav yoo." and pretended to sleep by giving off this tiny fake snore.

I silently laughed and waited for the next move. After a few minutes, her head popped up, I opened my eyes to see her smiling at me. I kissed her again and said, "Okay, okay, I give up."

The rest of the car trip was spent with her talking about her classmates and singing the Barney song (ugh, I hate that purple menace). 

She just turned 2 years old. The child started talking full sentences when she was only 1 and she can't stop. 

The day my sister adopted this treasure was the beginning of a whole new love that I felt. 

She is the youngest out of my 10 nieces and nephews and there hasn't been a day when I miss hearing her laugh, giving me her hugs, hearing her say that I'm her favorite Tita, and listening to her tell people that her name is Naners. 

To my lovely Naners, 

You are and always will be a blessing. I'm so happy you are in our lives. It's wrong to say but you will always have that charm that will never let me feel any trace of annoyance with you. I hope that when I come back you will still be the same beautiful, sweet, smart and loving child that you are now. I love you so so much and I will miss you terribly.

Love,

Tita Eeka

 

 

The last picture I took of her. :)