If I Could...

If I could've spent more time with you guys, I would've. It's ironic that when you were all a call away, I was on hermit mode. And now, now that I'm mostly alone, I can't see you all even if I want to so bad.

I'm chatting with Jeanie right now and this part made me tear:

Jeanie: true. im sure your mom misses you a lot too. we all miss you here. mara and i talked about u last night and how we love and miss you
Rica: AWWWWWWWWWWWW
Rica: shit dude, that means a lot
Rica: thats so sweet
Jeanie: hehehe. even her bf momon!
Rica: AWWW
Rica: shet dude
Rica: i want just one hurrah with yu guys
Rica: all i talk about is you guys
Rica: FUCK
Jeanie: hopefully you get to vacay for awhile. if not, ill go there for vacation when i have lotsa dough!
Rica: i super l=miss you!!!
Rica: grabe dude
Rica: it sucks not having you guys here
Jeanie: we'll visit soon enough
Rica: i feel so incomplete
Rica: i think im going to bloh
Rica: blog
Rica: about it HAHAHAHA
Jeanie: hahaha. okay para i have something to read! :
Rica: HAHAHAHA
Rica: tangina talaga'
Rica: fucking depressing dude
Jeanie: hayyy. it is...i wish you were here rin. at least we'd be able to hang in the midst of this pain.
Rica: i know dude
Rica: you and i total soulmates when it comes to this kind of shit

I want you all to know:

I think about each and every one of you ALL THE TIME.
I wish I can just go back for even just 2 weeks and spend as much time with you as I can.

LIFE ISN'T THE SAME WITHOUT YOU GUYS.
And I'm sorry for being on hermit mode weeks before I left.
I was stupid and should've realized the consequences of it all.

You make my life tolerable and beautiful.
And may I just say, I'm so happy that you mostly met each other through me and it makes me so so happy that you guys get along with each other. :)

I love you my darlings.

I hope we see each other VERY soon.

Let Me Know

So apparently, I'm still in a relationship and I had no idea I was in one. First off, he told me that since he's leaving that he doesn't think we should be together. I agreed. Then the day he left, all of that crap happened but he didn't take back what he said.

So, last night we were on the phone. I was on the balcony and the friend of my roommate came out to smoke a cigarette. He gave me this look like he was asking who I'm talking to and I said, "I'm talking to my ex."

And Zack got really upset about that. I didn't know what I did wrong and I told him: "Well, we haven't spoken about what we are. Besides, you didn't tell me anything about taking it back or some shit.

So yeah. What the fuck.
What. The. Fucking. Fuck.

Dear You #4

Dear You,

For some weird reason, this would be the best time for me to write about you since I am feeling every emotion a human being can possibly feel but I can't seem to find the words.

So, I guess to make things easier at first, I'm just going to post what I wrote on my Livejournal the day I found out what happened and the consequences of it:

So where does that leave our story? I can go into details, telling every single emotion, every single word, every single heartache..but I won't. There are just some things that you can write and some things that are better left in your head.

All I can say is that:

I am so, so happy that we met.

There were times during the past 10 days when we didn't see each other that I felt so stupid for falling for you. In fact, I thought you were an absolute waste of my time and I regretted having anything to do with you.

Imagine, if it were'nt for my forgetfulness, we wouldn't have seen each other today and I would still be thinking the same thing:

That you forgot about me.
That you found someone else.
That what you told me was an excuse to get rid of me.
and...
That once again, I opened up to someone who took me for granted.
But leaving things in someone's house does have it's advantages.
And thank God we finally got to see each other today.

I know you tried to push me away, thinking that by acting like an asshole, it would be easier for me to handle the fact that you have to move away. I admit, I fell for it, and you knew that. What I love is the fact that you couldn't pretend any longer.

I will never forget laughing and using bars of chocolate as swords awhile ago. I told myself that we were over but I could never stay mad at you. So, all I could do was laugh with you, at least one last time and I will never forget what you told me:

"You see? Isn't it better that we're both having fun together as usual?" "Hahahaha, yeah. Yeah, I know."
"Yeah. We're having fun and...then...we're going to be far away from each other."

I remember my smile fading as I looked at you. Your smile faded as well. It was like a cloud of silence suddenly landed on top of us. I coughed, looked down at my lap, then looked out of the window. That 10 second silence was completely deafening.

Suddenly, I felt angry. How dare you say it so calmly? Like it didn't matter? How come I always have to be the one that feels more in the relationship? The vulnerable one?

"Nice. That's such a brilliant way of putting it." I practically spat out. You shrugged and looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes that I love. I didn't see amusement in them or malice. I saw what I felt. I saw sadness, hurt, and frustration.

And then it dawned on me: You still cared.
All I needed to do was look into those eyes to know that you still did care.
Even though you tried so hard not to show it.
I felt so stupid. Why did I try to avoid looking into them?
I would've had my answers right away if I did.

I felt my heart pound and I tried to do something else with my hands. Something that wouldn't make me suddenly grab yours. Because that's what I wanted to do. I just wanted to feel your skin against mine once again. I just didn't have the balls to do it. We just sat in the heat of your car, not wanting to say what we wanted to say or do what we wanted to do.

And it pissed me off to be sitting beside you yet still feeling so far away.
So, I did what I usually do that brings a smile to both our faces.

I started a tickle war.

And suddenly our silence was killed by our laughter, our frowns stepped on by our smiles, and we were holding each other again. Then, with the words:

"So...are you going to kiss me or what?"

Our lips finally found each other and it felt like the past 10 days never happened.
It felt like the day we got together, that spark was re-kindled. The anger faded away.

And you held me.
You told me that you missed me, that you are going to miss me.
You told me that you're happy we met.
And that you will try to come back as soon as you can.

So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I doubted you in the first place. I'm sorry for being so angry with you, for thinking all these horrible things about you when the whole time, you were just trying to protect me in your own way. A stupid way but you were trying to protect me nonetheless.

And I will wait. I will wait for as long as I can. Because, like I always said:

You are the exception. And you are so, so worth it.

You always were and always will be.

Please don't forget me. Come back soon.

Love,
Rica

PS. This is an excerpt from the movie, 2 Days in Paris and no matter how angry I was with you, when I thought of you, it would always run through my head.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

Three Rules

Dan Millman: Life has just three rules?
Socrates: And you already know them...
Dan Millman: Paradox, humour, and change.
Socrates: Paradox...
Dan Millman: Life is a mystery. Don't waste time trying to figure it out.
Socrates: Humour...
Dan Millman: Keep a sense of humour, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure.
Socrates: Change...
Dan Millman: Know that nothing stays the same.

Just saw Peaceful Warrior because for some freakish reason, Chris and I can't go to sleep for shit. Actually, she's sleeping already and here I am, half alive, blogging because this movie opened my brain. So much for passing out early tonight/morning.

In the span of a month my life has considerably changed. A LOT. I never really thought that I took anything for granted but yes, I did.

I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my room.
I miss Josie, Desiree, and Erica (our helpers).
I miss Galo and Alfred (drivers).

I know it just takes time to adjust and I know I will. In fact, I think I'm doing a pretty good job for someone who stopped being a 'Princess' in such a short period of time.

In two days, I'm turning 26. I'm scared shitless.
I know, I know. Age is nothing but a number and all that jazz.

But that's 4 years 'til 30.

I thought I would be married with kids at this age.
(Not that I'm complaining. No thanks, not today.)

I just still can't help wondering what the hell is going to happen in my life. I think about it a lot. Sometimes, I just stare at the sky and empty streets and think about the future. And I worry.

I am fully aware that worrying gets you nowhere but seriously, who can say they never worried a day in their life? Noone. Worrying, like aging and B.O. are inevitable. Sometimes, you just can't help it.

Socrates: Where are you?
Dan Millman: Here.
Socrates: What time is it?
Dan Millman: Now.
Socrates: What are you?
Dan Millman: This moment.

I should start living in the moment again.

Just For Now

There are just some things you can't say.
The fear of vulnerability will take no prisoners.
It will haunt you until your last breath,
Taunt you until you hold the white flag.

You try hard to let this feeling go, let everything go.
But it's persistence is uncanny, almost torture for your feeble mind.
It's almost cruel, prodding you with it's finger.
Shaking your head, pulling your hair are wasted attempts.

There are times when you are afraid to open your eyes.
Sleep has become a great source of comfort,
A protector, a guardian, a friend.
It shields you from your own foolish ways.

Sleep has become too necessary, too needed.
And everything else are just unwanted activities.
You treasure those moments in which your mind shuts down.
The moments where you are soaring away from torturous thoughts.

You can't run away forever.
You know this will have to be addressed.
But in the meantime, just for now,
Just sleep.

It's the safer way out.
Just for now.

Necessary

I have always prided myself on being an honest person. Someone who wouldn't keep secrets, if she can help it. My friends know that I CANNOT keep something about myself from them and on the rare occasion that I try to, it will take me a week (maximum) until I blurt it out.

I'm the kind of person that watches movies where lies become the problem and just go "What the shit? All she/he had to do was just admit it/tell the truth!" because I never got the concept of keeping something about yourself a secret or even just lie about it.

This is why I'm such a personal blogger. I write down all of my emotions, my experiences, and screw whoever reads it. But then, recently, I have come to terms that there are things that I should just keep to myself.

Because God knows how much times I got screwed over by spreading my shit on a platter and serving it to any shithead that comes my way.

It's like I'm screaming, "HI! MY NAME IS RICA, FEEL FREE TO STICK YOUR HAND IN MY CHEST AND RIP OUT MY SOUL!"

I can't really blame them because I did it to myself. I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't expect it, and I can't undo it.

The only thing I can do is to learn from it.
And hope that it will never happen again.

Such is life, I tell you. :)