Now It's My Turn

All the pictures & crazy times
Sisters at heart & partners in crime.

One wasted, fun night, my best friend grabbed her notebook and amidst all our giggles, she managed to write down the reasons why she loves me. Out of the blue, for no reason at all. Until this day, it never fails to touch my heart:

All about HER. (she's fucking awesome)

1. She is the only person in the whole world who thinks that Rupert Grint is the shit and the hottest muthafacka in the world
2. Only she can make me laugh so hard that i fall on the floor, clutching my sides
3. She’s smart and witty and intelligent, and one hell of a writer!
4. She has farting boyfriends contests
5. She doesn’t let me get away with shit
6. She’s adorable
7. We both want to build shrines for our men’s ****’s
8. We spoog to Dirty Dancing 2
9. She says “Tite ng kalabaw”
10. She loves chili
11. We grew up together and she has ALWAYS been there for me
12. She collects Harry Potter fan art
13. We both find the same guys to be worthy of being deemed “shalomnations”
14. She’s a true romantic, just like me, and knows what love is and that it exists
15. We laugh together for hours
16. We can fit one whole conversation in one shared glance
17. She possesses such inner strength…
18. To shit is to live
19. She’s one of  a kind, you’ll never meet another like her in the world.
20. She is, to me, perfect in every way

These are but a few reasons why i love my best friend. She’s fucking awesome and i love her to death. :)

 I always meant to do the same for her but all I could come up with was some crappy letter in my crappy writing thanking her for being who she is and even though it was enough for her, it's still not enough for me.

So here I go:

Drama King

Drama Kings are the ultimate FAIL.

Last night, as I prepared myself for either another boring night home alone or catching a train to San Francisco to watch a movie with a friend in his cat hair filled apartment that makes me wheeze, I got an awesome surprise call from C.

He asked me what I was up to and if I was still at home. I stepped out into the balcony to smoke a cig and talk to him there.

"What's up babe?"

"Mmm..nothing. Just wondering if you were still at home."

"Yup, I still am. Where are you?"

"I'm underneath you."

"Whaaaaaaat?"

I look below and see him standing on the driveway and waving at me with his phone in his ear.

But what was supposed to be a nice relaxing night at home with C's PS3 was fucked up yet AGAIN by the Gulapagos Monster (the roomate of best friend and I) who came home at 2:30am, despite the door being locked and me yelling: "WAAAAIIIT!!" while errr, getting dressed, he came in anyway, dragging his friend along while I hastily put on my shirt as fast as I could.

He then lunged, and I mean...LUNGED like fucking bobcat on top of my boyfriend who was still under the covers and hugged him like there was no tomorrow.

Yes, he was drunk.

Then, he started talking about my boyfriend's "Sexy hot Irish nipples." as usual. The guy went behind C when C was in the kitchen and hugged him from behind. WTF. He even smacked C's ass for fuck's sake. While talking about all the hot chicks that he met that night. YEAH RIGHT. Excuse me, if I don't believe that.

But...BUT. That is NOT the point of this rant.

C and I decided it would be pointless to sleep until GM slept because he would just bug the shit out of us, as usual. So, we decided to hang out and be nice. Basically, just going with the flow and just trying to make something good out of a shitty situation.

We finally got to bed around 5am, and even while we were trying to sleep, he kept bugging us, breaking shit, and laughing to his fucking crazy self.

GM: "Hey C! Rica!"

Me: "C's asleep dude!"

I then get into bed while the idiot used the bathroom.

C: (mumbling) "I'm not really asleep babe."

Me: (mumbling) "Yes, I know baby. Hahaha."

C: (snickering) "You're the best, thanks babe."

GM then heads out to the bathroom while C lets out exaggerated snores and heads to his room (finally).

C: "Was that too much?"

Me: "Yeah..that was kind of over the top."

We laughed quietly to ourselves then he kissed me goodnight and we drifted off.

So, here is when the GM decides to spring out his fucking teenage drama.

The Human Condition

This loneliness is killing me.

Wow, I thought being in Manila was lonely. I never thought it was possible to feel more than that. Now I do.

Last night, I spent my night drinking myself in such a drunken stupor that I ended up practically crawling to the bathroom to throw up. What was supposed to be one glass of vodka cranberry turned into around 5-6. What was supposed to be a nice relaxing night at home turned into me, crying my eyes out, drinking my life away, and eventually going to bed only because I couldn't see anything anymore.

I feel so sad about what is happening back at home. I'm not only worried about my family and friends but I'm just worried in general. I've been hearing so much sad stories that is happening in the Philippines and not only about this fucking typhoon but about murders and such.

The thing that makes it worse is that my friends knew the people that have been killed. And just for that fact, even though I didn't know those people personally, I feel 10x worse about it because my friends do.

So yeah, I know that me being lonely here is nothing NOTHING compared to what's happening back home but fuck, I can't help how I feel.

That's How We Are

Opposites...

I realized the other day, after my "fight" with C, on why I like him. It's not entirely the opposites attract thing. I mean, we are similar in a lot of ways:

• We both love different kinds of food.
• We both love sports. (Though he plays hockey everyday and I just sit on my ass)
• We both hate the same kind of people.
• We both love man films.
• We both love cooking.
• We both love reading and writing.
• We love poetry.
• We both rate our farts/burps.
• We both cherish family and friends.
• We both aren't tall. Well, he's taller than me but it's not a hard thing to accomplish. 
• We both think that laughter is the best medicine. EVER.
• We smoke. A lot.
• We drink. A lot.
• We both talk loud and joke around a lot that people think we're fighting when we're really not.
  

And other wonderful things.

We're All Mad Here

And that's totally fine.

Seriously. Who wants to be normal anyway?
If you think about it, what IS normal?

If normal is to be whoever wants you to be... 
SCREW NORMALCY.
SCREW MEDIOCRITY.

Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genious.

And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

I'm Rica, I'm absolutely insane and I'm damn proud of it.

Dear You #6

 You always hurt the people you care about the most.

Dear You,

I'm so sorry for last night. I didn't mean to yell, I didn't mean to let anger flood my lips and my body, and I didn't mean what I said.

Why did I do that to you when you prove countless times, over and over again, that you care about me. That you mean everything you say?

Vaporizing

I'm a smoker.

Yes, I know, I know. It's a horrible and a disgusting habit but I can't help it. It's an addiction. It's my one and only vice.

Before I started smoking, the mere thought of it made me want to throw up. My brother was an avid smoker when he was younger and one time, I even left fliers and brochures on his bed that I took from a seminar in school about smoking. Now, karma has bitten me on the balls and I am worse than he was then.

I still remember the first time I smoked a cigarette.

I was 11 years old, in the 5th grade and was hanging out with 3 of my friends in one of their houses. Two of them, twins, already tried smoking cigarettes. So, there we were, 4 kids walking around a village, bored out of our minds.

"I need a cigarette." One of the twins, exclaimed.

"Me too." Replied her twin.

My other friend and I looked at each other and shrugged.

The 4 of us then proceeded to the village store and bought some sticks.

(Welcome to the Philippines where age doesn't matter. I miss it.)

We ran to the playground and settled on the swings.

The twins started lighting up as I stared at the stick of Marlboro Light in my hand.

It's Hard

This isn't easy.

But then again, who said it would be? When I left home, I knew I would be struggling but then again, I didn't anticipate the other cons of it. Well, maybe I did but I was just so excited to finally be able to do what I want to do that I ignored it.

I took a lot for granted at home. 

I knew it would be hard and lonely but I never knew it would be THIS lonely.

I'm alone at home most of the day, still waiting for my applications to pull through.

My best friend has work and my boyfriend has work and school.

My sister is also busy and I'm very grateful that she can still spend time with me.

I'm so far away from the life that I knew that it sometimes feels surreal. Sometimes, I look around and still can't believe I'm here. 

I'm Such a Cheesy Bastard

This is what I look like when I'm hungover as fuck in the morning and looking at cheesy ass Tumblr posts.

About Girls #1

Why is it so damn hard?

As I was standing on the balcony last night with the boyfriend and the best friend, the topic for this post suddenly came up.

My best friend looked at me with frustration in her eyes and said:

"This is fucking ridiculous. I can't believe he hasn't texted me yet. It's already Sunday. He said we would hang out this weekend."

I understood her frustration because, hey, I'm a girl too (sort of) and it is a big deal for a guy to text or call me.

"I KNOW RIGHT," I said loudly as I leaned on C. "What the fuck is up with that? It doesn't take 10 hours to send just one bloody text!"

"Why don't you text him?" C said, with a hint of matter of factness in his voice.

You Will Be Fine

Honey, it will be okay. I hope you know that.

I know you felt bad last night and I don't blame you. You were hurt, angry, confused, and sad. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I'm sorry for whining with you when it turns out, I had nothing to whine about in the first place.

He doesn't have the right to make you feel that way and you don't deserve to feel that way.
But still, I hope it will work out for you just because I know he makes you happy.

Brothers and Sisters

I miss my siblings.

Unlike most of the people I know, I can proudly say that I am close to my brothers and sisters. As the youngest of 6 kids, it was hard to keep up with them. Especially since our age gaps are so far apart. (My brother who is before me is turning 34 this year.) They never made me feel like an outsider though. Ever. Even if I'm adopted, it didn't make a difference to them at all.

In fact, whenever I reminisce I was always wanted and loved. One of my older sisters would ask me to sleep with her in her room when my other sisters didn't live at home anymore. I would bitch and complain because I love sleeping by myself and I was 12 years old. She, on the other hand was in her early 20's and yet she depended on me. Looking back, I realized how special that was. For her to depend on me, for her to want me to be with her. When I was on summer vacation, she would call me at home and ask me if I would like to meet her after work and she would buy me ice cream while listening to my stories about school and my friends with a big smile on her face. I never realized how special those moments were until years after. Until she herself got married and left.

Unlike my sisters, I never had to share a room. When I was younger, the 3 of them had to share a room while I basked in having my own room. Now I kind of get why they lovingly gave me the nickname, "Veruca".

My sisters never failed to be there for me when I needed them the most, even when I was on demonic mode and was screaming while crying because of my problems, they would listen, give me advice, and hold me.

There was even a time when the ex and I met up with my family for dinner and on the way there, he and I had a fight which left me in tears. As I sat down at the table, I willed myself not to cry in front of everyone. But my sisters weren't fooled. One of them gave me a questioning look and I quickly shook my head as my eyes welled up. Both of them got up, got my hand and brought me to the bathroom. In there, they listened, they consoled, they scolded me, held me, and wiped my tears away.

"Don't show Mom and Dad your tears, okay? Be strong. We know you're strong."

I smiled as one of them cracked a joke and led me out of the bathroom. That night was just one of many where they would save me from myself.

My brothers on the other hand were always there for a laugh and a great time. I can always count on them to do something silly or gross either to make me laugh or to tease me.

But they are also there to offer me advice or to help me with anything if I need them.

My siblings have always been there for me, have always loved me unconditionally.
I truly am blessed to be in this family.

My Mom always tells me:

"Your brothers and sisters are always going to be there for you, no matter what. Trust them. They will help you. They love you."

And I know they do.

"Be nice to your siblings, their your best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."
-Baz Luhrmann

Facebook and All It's Drama

Facebook = DRAMA

I am so sick of being told the following:

"Rica, please don't post pictures of blahblahblah. People are going to talk." "Rica, please don't swear on Facebook. People are going to see."
"Rica, please don't post those kinds of notes. People are going to read it."

To which my reply ALWAYS goes along the lines of:

"I don't care what other people think, they can all fuck themselves."
Seriously. I am so sick and tired of being told off because of what I post on Facebook.

1) I don't add people for the sole purpose of not having to be responsible of what I put.

2) It's my fucking Facebook. I can post whatever the hell I want.

3) I never cared about what other people think about me and Facebook isn't going to change that.

4) It's not my fault if my nieces or nephews see/read/hear/watch the "monstrosity" I post. I wasn't the one who allowed/made their accounts.

5) IT'S FACEBOOK. GET A FUCKING GRIP.

Personally, I don't even look through other people's Facebook accounts unless I want to or have to. I don't know, maybe I'm not a huge fan of gossip that I thought I am or something.

So yeah. Facebook. It's only dramatic if you want it to be. Seriously.

And paranoia will just kill you. It's not worth it.

Finally

Alcohol is dangerous.

Last night, as I was hanging out with my cousins from Manila, my body was slowly being consumed by drunkenness.

And by the end of the night, as I was lying in bed, the tears that have been waiting to come out finally arrived.

I think it was being with my cousins that made me think of my Dad.

So I bawled.
And I did it in front of the person that I didn't want to show weakness to.

But he held me in his arms and as he spoke to me, I could hear the pain in his voice.

"Baby, please look at me." He begged as he tried turning me around.
I shook my head and moved away, ashamed that I showed vulnerability.
Angry at the timing of these emotions that have been pushing their way out of my system.

"Let it out babe. Just let it out, I'm here for you. I'm here baby."
He held me in his arms and kissed the back of my neck as my body shook from grief.

And after what felt like hours, I took a deep breath and wiped my tears. I looked behind me, expecting him to be passed out but he was looking at me and giving me that smile I love.

I apologized and said that I was just drunk and that I hated crying to him.
He shook his head, put his hand on my face and told me that it was alright.
That he was happy that he got to be there for me and that I shouldn't be ashamed of anything.

Then, he held me as I put my head on his chest, and I fell asleep feeling safe and content.

I will forever be grateful for what he did for me last night.
I will forever be grateful for having him in my life.
I will never ever forget how happy he makes me.
I will always love being in his arms and being intertwined with him.

So far, you are the one I fit in with the most.

P.S.
I've been thinking of deleting this blog and making my Livejournal open for the public instead but making some entries for my friends list. LJ accepts OpenID anyway so it wouldn't be such a big deal. I love this blog and I've had it since 2002 but like life, maybe it's time to move on.

We'll see. :)

My Tumblr blog is also slowly making it's way to my affections.

So. Yeah. There.

Another Wasted Love Story

The Beatles said it best: Love is all you need.

I have this nasty, uncontrollable habit of writing about love. A lot. But what can I say? For me, love is the most fascinating emotion a human being can ever have. Within it lies every emotion available to mankind.

Love can make you the happiest you have ever been.

You can walk around with a glazed look in your eyes and a smile that makes you look insane without even knowing that it's there. Suddenly you find the urge to just add a spring to your steps, to smile at people you don't know, or just have those moments where you sigh with content. Out of nowhere, the world has suddenly become more beautiful, more alive.
But love can also tear a hole in your heart and leave you empty. It can make every bone, every muscle of your body scream in pain. It can leave you in pieces, leave you in an unbearable state and you don't know how you are going to survive. All of a sudden, the world, with all it's beautiful and colorful glory, has turned into a gray mist that consists only of your sadness and self-loathing.

I want to be in love again.
I want to feel all these emotions again.
Yes, I even want to feel the pain again.

I want to love someone with the way I used to love. Without hesitation, without fear.

I think I have been too jaded for far too long that it's finally taking it's toll. I want to start risking again, to open myself up without thinking of the consequences, without over analyzing.

(I'm not saying that Charlie is the one, that he is the one I want to fall in love with. It's too early in the relationship to tell.)

My best friend commented on one of my Livejournal posts with:

"This one's different. He really is. And i hope that time will prove us both right.You deserve love. Real love."

Everyone deserves love.
Everyone deserves to be treated the way they are supposed to be treated.

Everyone deserves happiness..
Even if they don't think they do.

Only time will tell. And it always does.

Another excerpt from the beautiful movie, 2 Days in Paris:

It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story.

I really love this one.

When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.

I fucking love Julie Delpy.

Between The Lines

So, I finally decided to make a public Tumblr account since I can't show anyone my "secret" one.

Yes, it's the same username again because I don't have any imagination whatsoever.

Paying The Price

I am still a little bit traumatized.

I realized recently that, compared to how I was before, I hold back in my relationships. The Rica as a girlfriend before is waaaaay different from the one now and it scares me. It really does.

It scares me because I know that he doesn't deserve it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still myself. I still proudly say that I am a weirdo, that I'm obsessed with Harry Potter and Rupert Grint, I'm a swooner, I cry at the stupidest things, that my farts smell like a rhino's ass, and all those lovely things that make me..me. I still laugh stupidly and louder than anyone else, I still curse like there's no tomorrow, I still talk about disgusting and crass things...blah blah.

But I notice the change in me.

I was never one to hide my farts from anyone.
I was never overly sensitive when I was teased.
I was never quiet and conscious around a boyfriend.

Then, after 2 years, I got into 2 relationships, and everything changed.

I don't know why but it did.
I changed.
And I hate it.

To you:

I'm sorry that I put this wall around me. You shower me with everything that you can give and yet, I can't even tell you or let you know how grateful I am. I guess I'm not used to this kind of treatment. I'm not used to someone REALLY going out of his way to be with me. Someone I can fully trust not to cheat on me. Someone who actually cooked for me. You really are amazing.

I remember that night when you asked me why I hide behind a wall around you and I just said we're just starting out, let's not get too serious first. I remember you smiled, hugged me and agreed. But for a split second, before you wrapped your arms around me, I saw the hurt in your eyes. Last night when I brought up my Dad, you held my hand and gave me the impression that you wanted me to open up about it and what did I do?

I held up my hand and said, "I don't want to talk about it. Don't talk to me about it, okay?" I didn't even look you in the eyes when I said it, I just stared at the T.V., willing myself not to cry. To not show vulnerability. To not make the same mistakes.

I'm sorry you are paying the price for what the men before you did to me. The funny thing is, being with you made me the happiest I have ever been in a long time. Since we met, I haven't had a single tear or pang of anger because of you. And that is a rare thing for me. Even if we have only been seeing each other for a short time.

I know this wall will break down again.
I just hope that you're the one that's going to break it.
Because you deserve knowing the real Rica, not just half of me.

You really do, C.<3

All is Well

To my sister:
I don't know how I survived 2 months without you.